Strategies for Creating an Intentional Marriage & Family
"A Happy Home is but an Earthly Heaven"
A few years ago, I found myself standing in the middle of a messy living room... having just gotten upset with someone for something unimportant. The feeling in the house, at that moment, was not exactly what I would call heavenly. I remember thinking, "Hey! What happened? I planned on being a fun mom!" I decided then to focus on what I could do to create moments that would draw my family closer together, and make our home a heaven on earth... all while having fun in the process!
I can clearly remember a lesson in advocacy from when I was a young mother. My children and I rushed up to the elementary school during the summer to see which classes (and teachers) they had been assigned to for the coming school year. As I looked at the list my heart sank. My sweet, tenderhearted almost first grader was put in a class with a notoriously mean teacher. I had helped in the school the previous year, enough to know that having my son in her class would be a huge personality mismatch and a recipe for a very difficult year. I worried and fretted about it as the summer went on. I didn't want to make waves. I didn't want the uncomfortable confrontation with the principal (who made it clear that he didn't accept "teacher requests"). I didn't want a target on my son's back. I didn't want to be a lawn-mower parent. I thought often (and prayed often) about what the best course of action would be. I recall expressing all of these worries to my neighbor who was older and wiser than I was.
She said, "YOU are your son's advocate! If you aren't going to work for his best interest then who is?"
She was right! I was my child's best advocate. I put on my "brave pants" and went to visit with the principal. He didn't make it an easy conversation, but I was eventually able to persuade him and have my boy switched to a different class.
Sometimes advocating for our children means exactly what I just described-- particularly if our children have special needs or challenges. As my neighbor said, "If you aren't going to work for your child's best interest, then who is?"
If you find yourself in need of help as you advocate for your child, most communities or school districts have clinical resources or early intervention programs that can give you direction and assistance.
It is especially important to note that advocacy is more than just intervening and standing up for your child's needs.
As you advocate for your child's needs, sometimes it is important to remember that often their greatest need is YOU.
Advocating for our children simply means supporting them.
Advocating is your child knowing that they can count on you being in the stands at their football game or violin concert. Advocating is helping your child learn their multiplication tables or their spelling words. Advocating looks like late night conversations and early morning driving practice. It is a soft lap or a kiss for a scraped knee. Any time you are supporting your child as you work for their best interest, you are advocating.
Your parenting is only as effective as the degree to which your children believe you have their best interest at heart.
Each time you practice being a present parent, each time you strengthen your connections, each time you practice advocacy, you are increasing that degree-- thus increasing your influence in their lives.
I love the notion that advocating for our children doesn't have to just be reserved for moments of distress or confrontation. Advocacy can also be enriching and enjoyable-- and even fun.
I love the resources provided by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for supporting our children. They include articles related to parent-child communication, fostering resilience in children, helping children set goals, cheering your children on, and many more. I highly recommend you take time to study them as you work towards strengthening your ability to advocate for your children's best interest.
What drives you? What keeps you going in those situations
where you are only accountable to yourself? What about when it gets hard or
doesn’t go the way you had initially planned? The way we look at challenges has
a huge impact our success. The way we teach our children to view challenges has
a huge impact on their ability to self-motivate and is directly linked to level of achievement.
Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset
A fixed mindset describes children (and adults) who believe
their intelligence, talents and personalities are fixed traits that cannot
grow. They believe we are born with a certain level of ability or talent. Fixed
mindsets lead us to believe that we are either good or bad at something based
on our inherent nature.
People with a growth mindset believe what we’re born with is
just a starting point. They recognize intelligence, talents and personality can
develop and change through effort – and perhaps even struggle. If we are able
to foster a growth mindset in ourselves—and in our children, it also means we
view mistakes as opportunities to grow. A growth mindset allows us to recognize
that positive outcomes are a result of effort and hard work, and not merely
talent.
I love what Stanford Professor, Carol Dweck, teaches about
the power of “yet”. When we have a growth mindset, we recognize ourselves
(and our children) as works in progress, we are all in the process of becoming.
So, how do we foster a growth mindset? Here are a few suggestions:
Reframe the notion that “hard" means “bad”
When we do something hard, our brain is
forming millions of new connections. Every time we do something that pushes the
boundaries of our comfort zone, we are growing. As a parent, when we remove
obstacles from our children’s lives and try to make their path as trial-free as
possible—we are actually depriving them of opportunities to become more
authentically who they have the potential to be. We are also inadvertently
sending a message that we don’t think they are capable of doing hard things. When we focus on a growth mindset, we embrace challenge,
struggle, criticism, and setbacks as opportunities to progress. They are no
longer threatening because success now means engaging in the process more than
it does achieving a successful end.
Change the way we talk to ourselves, and to our
children
“…every word and action can send a message.It tells children — or students, or athletes
— how to think about themselves.It can
be a fixed-mindset message that says: You have permanent traits and I’m judging
them.Or it can be a growth-mindset
message that says: You are a developing person and I am interested in your
development. Praising children’s intelligence harms their motivation and it harms
their performance. Parents think they
can hand children permanent confidence — like a gift — by praising their brains
and talent. It doesn’t work, and in fact
has the opposite effect. It makes
children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong. If parents want to give their children a
gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges,
be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be
slaves of praise. They will have a
lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence” (Dweck, 2016).
When we praise our children, we
should focus on the process over the product—especially our passing
evaluative judgement of the product. For example, instead of saying “Good job
on your report card.” You might try,” Wow! All the effort you put into your
homework really paid off this semester.” Can you see the difference? The second
statement applauds the work that was put in and reinforces the behavior to continue
learning, while the first statement simply reinforces the desire or work for approval
and a parental reiteration of “you’re good.” Instead of saying, “You’re such a good girl
for cleaning your room.” We could simply say, “You cleaned your room! Thank
you!” Being aware of the underlying messages we are sending through the way we
praise has the power to make a huge impact on how our children view themselves
and their abilities.
I found
this article to be very informative if you want to learn more about effective
praise.
As we become more mindful of our inner voice, we will be
better at changing the way we speak to ourselves regarding growth. Remove the
fixed mindset dialogue and replace it with growth talk.
Start living life!
A growth mindset is liberating. It gives us
(and our children) permission to develop talents and interests (and to fail at
them as we learn). It gives us the opportunity to try new things, to step out of
our comfort zone, and to do the things that scare us. A growth mindset allows
our relationships to become more authentic as we let go of ideals and
expectations and embrace the closeness and intimacy that is hard won through struggle
and genuine living. Growth mindsets allow us to love the process. When we learn
to let go of solely focusing on the final product it allows us to indulge those
rich moments in the middle of the journey. Just like all things in life, the more we strive to view our lives, our relationships, and our experiences with a growth-mindset, the better at it we will get-- and that's growth!
References
Dweck, C. S. (2016). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Ballantine Books.
Kennedy, M. J. (2021, October 14). What is effective praise? definition and examples. The Montessori-Minded Mom. Retrieved October 7, 2022, from https://reachformontessori.com/what-is-effective-praise/
Smith, J. (2020). Growth mindset vs fixed mindset: How what you think affects what you achieve. Mindset Health. Retrieved October 7, 2022, from https://www.mindsethealth.com/matter/growth-vs-fixed-mindset
The Family: A Proclamation to the World says, “By divine
design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness
and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their
families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.
In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one
another as equal partners” (Family, para. 7).
It points out that that nurturing is one of our main
responsibilities as parents. I love the additional light we receive from Elder
Ulisses S. Soares, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, in his most recent General
Conference address. He said, Nurturing and presiding are interrelated and
overlapping responsibilities, which means that mothers and fathers “are
obligated to help one another as equal partners” and share a balanced leadership
in their home. To nurture means to nourish, teach, and support” family members,
which is done by helping them to “learn gospel truths and develop faith in
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ” in an environment of love. To preside means
to “help lead family members back to dwell in God’s presence. This is done by
serving and teaching with gentleness, meekness, and pure love.” It also
includes “leading family members in regular prayer, gospel study, and other
aspects of worship. Parents work in unity,” following the example of Jesus
Christ, “to fulfill these [two great] responsibilities” (Soares, 2022).
Nurture
In a great resource on the family is a manual published by The
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2006. It is entitled
Strengthening the Family. A section dedicated to nurturing, discusses the
findings of Dr. John Gottman. He teaches about the importance that “emotion
coaching” plays in our efforts to nurture our children. Emotion coaching is
When done properly, it has been shown to help children form
stronger relationships, do better in school, regulate their own moods better, and
bounce back faster from emotions. It has
also been linked to greater health overall. Emotion coaching produces children
(who become adults) that manage life’s challenges better.
If we are tuned into our children’s emotions, we can begin coaching
before those emotions escalate. A couple months ago, I was asked to help in
primary. I was sitting next to a little boy in the youngest class. He was
trying to get the chorister’s attention during singing time. He wanted to show
the picture he had colored. The chorister was not responding to him, and I
could see he was getting upset. I should have intervened at this point, but I
was not familiar with the little boy and had no idea that within minutes he
would be having a complete and utter freak-out that was beyond his capacity to
handle. As we are more aware of our children’s emotions—as well as our own—we can
guide them while they are still on the ground level as opposed to over our
heads.
Recognize Emotion as an Opportunity for Closeness and
Teaching
It is so easy to forget that our children are learning and
experiencing many emotions for the first times. It is a sacred responsibility
to help them learn to navigate those big emotions. “Parents should look at
their children’s troubling emotions as opportunities for bonding and growth.
Helping soothe a child’s troubled feelings is one of the most satisfying things
parents can do. Children feel understood and comforted when kind and loving
parents acknowledge and understand their feelings” (Church, 2006, p.36).
Help the Child Identify and Name Emotions
As we listen, we can restate the emotions we are witnessing.
There is power in labeling emotions. This builds emotional vocabulary and helps
your child increase their ability to express their feelings and calm
themselves.
Listen Empathically and Validate the Child’s Feelings
Last week, I got a call from my 8 year old daughter's school
informing me she had had a serious accident at recess. She had fallen and hit
her face on the pavement. I picked her up from the school to rush her for
x-rays. She had hurt her knee and couldn't put weight on one leg at all (so we
had to get separate x-rays at a separate doctor’s office on that too). Her
teeth were pushed all out of place and had black-top skid marks permanently
smeared on them. Her chin was cut up, and her nose was swollen. There was blood
and pain and so much emotion covering my little baby's face. She was terrified,
and truth be told, I was too. But I kept it together, trying to be her calm in
the storm. Typically, my approach is to pep-talk and point out the positive. I do this even with myself when I experience
big emotions. "Kristen, it is going to be OK. Stop feeling sad. Look at
all of these things you have to be grateful for."As I was driving my daughter to the emergency
appointments, she was so worried. I could hear trembling in her voice as she
repeatedly asked what was going to happen. I naturally wanted to say, "You're OK.
Don't worry. We are going to get you all fixed up and then we can go get a
treat." However, I stopped myself. Instead, I said, "I can see that
you are so scared. This is scary. I hate when bad things happen. I'm so sorry
this happened to you. I am here with you. I will not leave you. We will
figure this out together." I was surprised how much more effective those
words were over my usual optimistic pep-talk approach.
Set Limits while Helping the Child Learn to Solve Problems
Parents can help set limits and work together by guiding
their child to appropriate solutions. “A child’s sense of control increases as
parents help the child learn to deal with unpleasant feelings. Children must
learn to deal with troubling thoughts and feelings in ways that are socially
acceptable and emotionally healthy. Parents may need to set limits on
inappropriate behavior while helping children work out problems” (Church, 2006,
40).
Here is a great video for further learning:
Emotion coaching is an amazing tool to not only have in our parenting toolbelt, but also just an all-around worthwhile tool for navigating life in general. When we, as parents, are better at managing our own emotions that will entirely affect our abilities to help our children manage their emotions too.
I hope you will join me next time, as we discuss the next
piece of the National Extension Parent Education Model – Develop.
References
Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints. (2006). Strengthening the Family : Instructor's manual.
“Family: A Proclamation to
the World.” (1995, November). Ensign, 25, p. 102.
Soares, U. (2022). In
partnership with the lord. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Retrieved October 7, 2022, from
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2022/10/25soares?lang=eng
In our last post, we talked a little about the notion of
looking at parenting with more of a gardener-mindset than a potter’s mindset.
We aren’t so much forming our children into our individual hopes and dreams as
much as we are guiding them on their own unique path of learning and becoming. Today
we will focus on the 3rd concept of the National Extension Parent
Education Model (NEPEM)—Guide (particularly as it applies to moments of
discipline.
Guide
The goal of most parents is to help their children grow into
decent human beings. We want to raise adults who are capable, kind, and confident.
Unfortunately, many of the disciplinary techniques that parents use today yield
long-term results that are opposite of those end goals.
Punishments are a necessary part of parenting, bust as we
discipline, we want to do so in a way that works towards the desired outcomes—both
in the short and long game. What is the overarching message that you want your
discipline to send? I personally want love to be the resounding tone of my
discipline. I would hope that in my guiding and correcting, my children know
above all else that I love them.
The scriptures teach that proper discipline should not be
charged with negative emotions. You can read more about what they teach about
reproving with love in this post here.
It is helpful to view
these moments of correction and guidance as opportunities for teaching. The
more effective our teaching, the less we will find ourselves in need of
parental corrections. If done correctly, they can strengthen our relationships
with one another. I really liked this example of recognizing a teaching moment:
“One young girl was working in the garden with her father.
Tiring of the work, she asked if she could make them both some lemonade.
However, as she made the drink, she spilled sugar and water all over the
kitchen. The father, who came in just then, might have looked around the
kitchen and been upset at the mess. Instead, he recognized a teaching moment.
“‘You know,’ he said, ‘Mother will be home soon. I wonder what she’ll think
when she sees this floor and cupboard. What do you think we ought to do about it?’
Sally looked around at the mess and said, ‘I think I better get it cleaned up
fast. Would you help me, Daddy? I’ll get the broom and dustpan if you’ll get
the mop cloth.’ Together Sally and her father got things back in order”
(Saints, 1984, p. 96).
When we find ourselves in moments that require effective
correction, how do we do it in a way that shows love AND works? I want to highlight
here a method that I believe does both well.
It can be found in a book by Dr. Laurence Steinberg entitled
“10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting.” He discusses 4 ways to avoid harsh
discipline. I highly recommend this book. Here is a brief summary of what he suggests…
1.Never use physical punishment.
Physical punishment is effective in the
short term but comes as a high price in the long term. It has been shown to
have the worst side-effects of all the forms of discipline. Children who are
physically disciplined are prone to fighting, bullying, and using aggression to
solve problems. They are also more likely to be rejected at school, have bad
grades, no friends, and incidents of delinquency. Dr Steinberg suggests that
instead of using physical consequences, explain that you’re disappointed and implement
a time out. A good rule of thumb on the time outs is 1 minute in time out per year
of age. That is, a 5-year-old would be in time out for 5 minutes. If your child
is too old for time outs, he suggests taking something away—like electronics or
time with friends.
2.Don’t be verbally abusive.
The side effects of verbal harshness
include psychological problems, poor self-esteem, and higher levels of clinical
depression. Dr. Steinberg emphasizes that being firm does not have to mean
being cruel. You will make your point better calmly. Steinberg teaches that your
success in guiding your child depends on the degree to which your child
believes you have their best interest at heart. Children translate mean words
as someone who doesn’t care for them. If your words are hostile, the content
gets lost in the tone. As a parent, in a moment of frustration, we need to think
before we speak. Be specific in our words as opposed to generalizing. Instead
of saying, “You always lie!” Try saying, “Don’t lie to me about
_______________.”
3.Control your anger.
Anger will happen in relationships. It can
be expected. There is a difference in feeling angry and really letting out kids
have it. Steinberg teaches that for punishment to be most effective, it needs
to be immediate but its okay to take a pause first if necessary. He suggests
taking a breath, counting to 3, saying “I am really angry and need a minute to
calm down”, then waiting only as long as it takes to get to a calm state of
mind before you explain your frustration and extend the punishment.
4.The right way to punish.
Dr. Steinberg teaches that effective
punishment is unpleasant (but not harsh), consistent, and swiftly administered.
He outlines 5 steps of how to punish the right way. Those are:
1.IDENTIFY the specific act that was wrong.
2.State the IMPACT of the misbehavior on those
involved.
3.Suggest ALTERNATIVES to the behavior.
4.State clearly what the PUNSIHMENT is going to
be. I should add a note that the book suggest that a consequence is best if it
relates to the “crime” and is even better if it can make restitution for or “undo”
the crime in any way.
5.State your EXPECTATIONS for their behavior in
the future.
You can view a role played scenario of how this might look in
action in this video. Don't be jealous of our stellar acting abilities...
As we work to guide our children in their process of becoming, I am confident that it can be done in a spirit of love. It is not always easy to do that, especially in moments of high emotion (learn more about that as we discuss emotion coaching in a future post). I don't think most parents enjoy having to discipline their children. I do believe that it is a sacred trust and privilege. Through the guidance of the Holy Ghost, and use of appropriate resources, we can be successful in our efforts.
References
Saints., Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day. (1984). Relief society courses of study 1985. Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
In today’s post, we will continue our series focusing on the National Extension Parent Education Model (NEPEM). If you haven't read my last post, I would urge you to start there. Today we will be discussing the important role of
understanding in our parenting.
Understand
Parenting
is not a one-size-fits-all system. Good parenting requires flexibility and a
deep understanding of our unique, individual, ever-evolving child.
Have you ever been asked to do something that was completely
outside of your skill set? I love watching the Olympics. There is something
thrilling about watching the athletes preform in the pinnacle moment after
years and years of dedicated blood sweat and tears they’ve put into honing
their skill. Can you imagine the stress and imminent failure that would occur if
you were thrown into the pool to swim the 100-meter breaststroke with the Olympians?
It’s ridiculous to think that anyone would expect you to do well at something so
far outside of your personal realm of possibilities. It is equally ridiculous
to expect our children to do things that are outside of their developmental
stage of abilities, yet – as parents—we sometimes unknowingly do just that.
Understanding Development
The first realm of understanding that I’d like to touch on
is that of being familiar with age-appropriate development. As we have a
healthy understanding of what each stage of development entails, we will be
better at parenting our child in each stage. We can also be familiar with which
milestones to anticipate as our child grows—which is exciting. For example, when
we know that children aren’t typically able to follow 2-step directions until
they are around 24 months old, we can have more realistic expectations of what we
ask them to do. When we have an understanding that it is perfectly normal for
toddlers (and again for teens) to test boundaries, we can respond in more
effective ways as a result of that understanding. I could write an entire blog entirely
focused on the developmental stages of children. Fortunately, I don’t need to
because there are already many resources out there. I urge you to take the time
to learn about and anticipate the different stages of development. I found this chart informative.
You can also google “developmental
milestones for a [your child’s age] year old” to find helpful guidance as
well.
Understanding Individuality in Children
The second realm of understanding that I’d like to talk
about is understanding our children as distinctive individuals. I have 6
children. They are all different, and I have had to figure out how to customize
my parenting to fit their needs. My oldest son sets very high expectations for
himself. If he falls short or makes a mistake, I can guarantee there is nothing
I can say that will be stricter than what he is already saying to himself in
his own head. The discipline needed to be effective in guiding him was
different than the techniques I had to employ to get the message across to some
of my other children.
President Brigham Young taught parents to “... study their
[children’s] dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them
accordingly” (Young & Widtsoe 1999, p 207).
Are you a potter or a gardener?
I used to think that I was a potter. I thought it was my job
to mold my children like clay, into the beautiful vase or useful bowl that I
thought they should be. I have since learned that parents are much more like
gardeners. Our job is to create good nourishing soil. We do our best to make
sure there is plenty of water and sunlight. We guide and prune when necessary. It is not our job to change the seed we were
given. No amount of tending will change a rose bush into an apple tee. It is
our privilege to do our part, and then stand back and be amazed as we watch our
plants grow and blossom into what they were uniquely meant to become.
When I was a young mother, I had an older and wiser friend
tell me that she found it helpful to pray to see the unique talents and gifts
that each of her children bring to her family. She was surprised to realize
that sometimes the very things that she found frustrating (like never-ending
curiosity) were actually very special talents that made them who they were. With
a new perspective, she was able to help them develop those skills in productive
ways. This piece of advice has helped me so many times as a mother. Our children
aren’t going to have all the same likes and dislikes as their parents or even as
their siblings do—and that is actually a good thing. Embracing our children for
the complex people they are is exciting.
Elder Robert D. Hales, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles,
said, “Realize that each child has varying gifts and abilities; each is an
individual requiring special love and care” (Hales, 1999, p 33).
As we spend time together in genuine connection, we will be
more tuned in to a greater understanding of who our children are. As a result, we
will be able to customize our parenting in ways that will help us accomplish
our long-term parenting goals more effectively.
Next time we will learn more about our parental role in Guiding
our children in their development. See you then!
References
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022, August 17). CDC's Developmental Milestones. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved October 4, 2022, from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html
Parents guide to developmental milestones. Child Mind Institute. (2022, May 18). Retrieved October 4, 2022, from https://childmind.org/guide/parents-guide-to-developmental-milestones/
Young, B., & Widtsoe, J. A. (1999). Discourses of Brigham Young: Second president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Deseret Book Company.
Your baby's developmental milestones . UNICEF Parenting. (n.d.). Retrieved October 4, 2022, from https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-development/your-babys-developmental-milestones-2-months
This model focuses on the following six categories:
Care for Self
Understand
Guide
Nurture
Motivate
Advocate
Over the next few weeks, we will examine them all. In this post, I would like to focus on the first principle:
Care for Self
Why Care for self? As parents, we spend so much of our
time caring for others. It is a noble labor of love and sacrifice. I think it
is safe to assume that most parents want to bring their best to the parenting
game. But what if, overtime, your “best” has been overworked and diminished?
Elder Marion
G. Romney
of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
said,
"Without
self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we
give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty
shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and
understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come
from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come
from the spiritually weak" (1982).
As we
care for others, keep in mind this advice from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of
the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:
“For those of you who earnestly seek to bear another’s
burdens, it is important that you refortify yourself and build yourself back up
when others expect so much of you and indeed take so much out of you. No one is
so strong that they do not ever feel fatigued or frustrated or recognize the
need to care for themselves. … The caregivers have to have care too. You
have to have fuel in the tank before you can give it to others” (Holland, 2018,
pp.29-30).
I
know what you’re thinking… because I’ve thought it many times myself. You’re
thinking, “I’m so busy with my life and my many obligations! When am I supposed
to make time to take care of myself?” My hope is that I will help you see the
value in creating that time. It doesn’t have to be time-consuming or costly. Self-care
comes in many forms and can look like a variety of things in our day-to-day
practice. Simply put, self-care is honing in on that special thing—anything really—that
“refills your internal batteries” or “puts fuel in our tank” and renews your
ability to be your best self. Self-care elevates your ability to show up in a
better way for the people and obligations in your life.
In a
medically reviewed article entitled, Ways to Practice Self-Care, Carol
DerSarkissian (2021) offers some suggestions for more effective care of self.
Her
list included many suggestions, but a few I’d like to highlight include:
1.Find your flow.
Find a
hobby that you enjoy. Spend your time doing something that pulls in your full attention.
2.Unplug already!
Disconnect from electronics, and try to connect more fully with people you love.
3.Go green.
Find calm
and balance as you spend time outdoors. If being outdoors regularly isn’t
possible, DerSarkissian says you can still find benefits as you “…sit next to a
window, look at nature photos, or buy a plant.”
4.Get more shut eye.
I
can’t overemphasize the importance of getting adequate sleep, ideally 7-9 hours.
Good sleep impacts many other aspects of our body and functionality. In
parenting, adequate sleep is not always possible, but do the best you can.
5.Move on.
Get your body
moving. Exercise is one of the beneficial forms of caring for oneself. DerSarkissian
says, “Turn up your favorite playlist and dance in your living room, swim laps,
take a brisk walk around the block. … Rhythmic movements get you out of your
head and into the present moment so you're ready for the next challenge” (2021).
6.Give Back.
People
often mistakenly assume that self-care is a self-centered endeavor, however, many people find
that they feel most renewed when they are focused on and serving others.
7.Tap into thankfulness.
Gratitude makes people happier. It effects every aspect of our lives. By conscientiously
practicing gratitude, we will be better. DerSarkissian points out, “It helps
you notice that even when some things are hard, there's still good in the world
and some of it has come your way” (2021).
8.Jot it in a journal.
Journaling
helps you create order when your life might feel unordered. As you settle into
writing, consider it as a time to relax, dream, and process your feelings.
9.Feed your spirit.
The
article points out that “People who tend to their spiritual side are less apt
to worry and feel sad. For some, that means prayer and worship services. For
others, it has nothing to do with religion. You may simply meditate every
morning. Either way, the result can be that you're better able to take on
stress” (2021).
10.Seek help when you need it. “When a big problem hits, don't
pretend nothing's wrong. Speak to a counselor in private or check out a support
group. It helps you get a different view of your situation so you can make your
best choices. Although your problem probably won't vanish right away, get it
off your chest. You'll feel recharged by taking charge -- with help from a pro”
(DerSarkissian, 2021).
For me
personally, I feel better when I focus on good nutrition. I feel renewed when I
connect with people through meaningful conversation. I am my best self when I surround
myself with positivity and optimism. At times, my self-care is simply
remembering to pause and take a deep breath. Whatever your preferred form of
self-care, I hope that you see the value in creating time for it as you
continue to bring your best self to your parenting journey.
Next time,
we will focus on the concept of Understanding. I hope you'll join me.
Smith, C. A., Cudaback, D.,
Goddard, H. W., & Myers-Walls, J. A. (1994). NATIONAL EXTENSION PARENT
EDUCATION MODEL Of Critical Parenting Practices. The National Extension
Parent Education model. Retrieved September 22, 2022, from https://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/nepem/
Sometimes the task of teaching our children about intimacy (especially sexual intimacy) can seem daunting. There is no need to feel intimidated. This is a sacred opportunity and obligation. The world we live in today is more than eager to teach your children if you do not. Unfortunately, the world doesn't always (or even often) teach truth... but rather Satan's cheap imitation of truth. Do not leave your children to navigate the barrage of misinformation on their own. Teach them truth.
There are many resources to help you, and most importantly, we have the gift of the Holy Ghost to help guide us in the specific needs of our children.
It is important to recognize that teaching about intimacy is not a "one and done" conversation. It is more like many small conversations throughout a lifetime. We can start teaching about bodies and gender from the time our children are tiny. As they grow and mature, those conversations need to grow and mature as well. It is important to be observant of your children's readiness in order to know the best way to teach them. You can read more about that here.
Below are some sample lessons for Family Home evening. I want to reiterate that this topic requires correct timing as well as an awareness of your child's readiness. What works for one family (or child) may not be a good fit for all. These lessons may be just what you need or serve as a jumping off point. Take it or leave it, or change it to fit your needs.
My body is a gift: a lesson about intimacy
for children ages 2-7
Objective: To help children
recognize and become aware of their body, as a gift from Heavenly Father, and
as something that should be honored and treated with care. We will discuss the
gift of our bodies and play a game to learn about and identify parts of the
body and the things they can do. Depending on readiness, we will address
gender, modesty, as well as appropriate and inappropriate touch. In the end, we
will have a greater appreciation for the gift of our bodies, as well as started
down a path of open communication for future discussions.
Family
Business:
Opening
Song: I am a Child of God (Children’s songbook, 2)
Opening
Prayer:
Scripture: Moses 2: 31
And
I, God, saw everything that I had made, and, behold, all things which I had
made were very good…
Lesson:
Object lesson:
Show a gift wrapped to look pretty (inside are the
body flashcards). BEFORE OPENING THE GIFT, show it and talk about how nice it
is to receive gifts. When people give you gifts it is one way that people show
they love you.
Question: When someone gives us a gift, how should
we treat it? Do we open it and break it? Do we throw it on the ground? No. we
take care of it, right? We show that we appreciate it.
Open the gift and show
them the body flash cards. (It might be good to say, “Oh look! It’s a fun game
for us to play about our wonderful bodies!”).
Heavenly Father has given
us an amazing gift… our bodies! They are one of the things that make us like
Him because He has a body too! Bodies can sure do amazing things. They are a
gift from Him because He loves us. We should take good care of our bodies and
treat them like they are special.
Game: Turn the cards
upside down and place them in a pile. Have each child choose a flashcard one at
a time. With each card, talk briefly about that body part or have them do a
small action. For example: with the hand card, you could say “You have hands.
What can you do with your hands? Can you wiggle your fingers? Let’s all give
high fives.” For the nose card, you could smell different scents and try to
have them guess what they are. For the eye card you can have them find 3 colors
that they see. For many of the cards you can just ask “What amazing things can
you do with your __________.”The main
point of the game is to reiterate that our bodies are special and can do many
things.
Our bodies are really
awesome, aren’t they? I love my body! I’m so grateful for all the things it
lets me do. Do you love your body! Yay for the gift of our bodies!
Depending on the age of
your children, you could continue the discussion by asking questions like:
“How are boys’ and girls’ body’s
different?”“What kind of touch is
appropriate?”
“What should you do or say
if someone is making you uncomfortable?
“Why do you think we wear
clothes?”“What goals can we set
to take care of our bodies?”
Closing
Song: Head Shoulders, Knees and Toes (Children’s
songbook, 275)
Closing
Prayer:
Family Home Evening Lesson
What is sex: a lesson
about intimacy for children ages 8-13
Objective: To help children
recognize and become aware of exactly what sexual intimacy entails, that it is
a sacred gift from Heavenly Father and as such, has parameters for it’s use. We
will use an illustrated book for the technical portion of the lesson. We will
also discuss the truth that Satan would have us use this gift inappropriately
and if we do it will result in heartache. PARENTS ARE STRONGLY ENCOURAGED TO
SAVE THIS LESSON FOR THE RIGHT TIME DEPENDING ON READINESS. As a result of this
lesson, we will have established a feeling of the reverence towards the act of
sex, taught about its role in creating babies, and opened a comfortable path
for continued dialogue.
Family Business:
Opening Song: Families Can Be Together Forever (Children’s songbook, 188)
Opening Prayer:
Scripture: Moses 2: 31
And I, God, saw everything that I had made, and
behold, all things which I had made were very good…
Lesson:
Side note: The tone of
this lesson is very important. As you speak to your child in a mature way,
emphasizing the privilege of being mature enough to learn what you’re about to
teach them, it will make a big difference in how the information is received.
Today’s family home
evening lesson is really special. Your dad and I have noticed that you’ve been
asking a lot of questions lately that show us you are really growing up.
Because we can see that you are maturing, we think it is time to teach you
about one of the most wonderful and special things in the entire world.
Question: What makes
Heavenly Father amazing and powerful? What are some of the things that He can
do that are amazing? (Answers typically include things like… He can hear our
prayers, He can see everyone at once, He can do miracles, the answer that you
want to guide them towards or settle on is when you get into His powers to
create).
Heavenly Father is a
master creator. He can make something exist that didn’t exist before. That is
an awesome power! Heavenly Father loves us and trust us so much that He has
given us a really special gift. He has given us a tiny portion of His power to
create. He has given us the power to create bodies for His spirit children.
What do you think about
that? Do you want to learn more about that? (Most children are very intrigued,
but if your child says no, then this is a good indicator that it might be best
to say, “OK. That’s alright, we can address this in the future when you feel
more ready.”)
Let’s get Technical:
Side note: I know a lot of
parents who prefer to use medical textbooks to teach this part, and that is
great. There are things I like about this book I recommend, and things I wish
were different, but overall, I appreciate “Where Did I Come From?” by Peter
Mayle (Let me give you a heads up, it is blunt and straight forward and
includes illustrated pictures of nudity).
I know it can be kind of uncomfortable to talk about
this sometimes, but Dad and I want you to know that it is an amazing gift. Can
you believe all the things your body can do? It is something that makes you
like Heavenly Father, and that is so cool.
Satan doesn’t have the power to create. This makes
him really angry. It makes him so mad that you can do something that he can’t,
so he wants you to use this gift in the wrong way. He knows that if he can make
something special into something gross or something that people treat plainly or
think is ok to do with just anyone, then it will make you sad in the end.
Question: Can you think of ways that Satan tricks
people into treating sex like it isn’t the most special and sacred gift that it
is?
Right, in movies or even on the playground you will
hear others say things that are inappropriate about sex. But now you know more.
You know that that is Satan trying to steal people’s happiness! So you can know
that you don’t want to participate in that kind of entertainment or
conversation.
Heavenly Father wants us to only use this gift with
our husband or wife.
Question: Why do you think that is?
Question: Would it be appropriate to tell everyone
at school what you learned tonight? (Not really, because they may not be ready
to handle it as maturely as you are, and it could turn into an inappropriate
conversation).
That was a lot of information. Do you have any other
questions? Dad and I want you to know that you will have more questions come to
your mind in the next day or two. You can always come to us and ask us
anything. We will always answer truthfully. We love you!
Closing Song: I am a Child of God (Children’s songbook, 2)
Closing Prayer:
Family Home Evening Lesson
Avoiding Temptation: a
lesson about intimacy for children ages 14+
Objective: To help older children
recognize and become aware of the sacredness of sexuality and that temptations
are surrounding them, but can be avoided through intentional actions. We will
use For the Strength of Youth: A Guide for Making Choices as well as a talk by
Elder Lynn G Robbins as a guide for the discussion. In the end, we hope to have
set some goals for working towards purity in a sex drenched world, as well as
continued our ongoing dialogue about intimacy.
Family Business:
Opening Song: Choose the Right Way (Children’s songbook, 160)
Opening Prayer:
Scripture: D&C
121:45
“Let virtue garnish thy
thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of
God”
Sexual
feelings are an important part of God’s plan to create happy marriages and
eternal families. These feelings are not
sinful—they are sacred. Because sexual feelings are so sacred and so powerful,
God has given you His law of chastity to prepare you to use these feelings as
He intends. The law of chastity states that God approves of sexual activity
only between a man and a woman who are married. Many in the world ignore or
even mock God’s law, but the Lord invites us to be His disciples and live a
standard higher than the world’s.
Question: Does anyone have
any thought about the quote?
One thought that I had is
that it points out that having sexual feelings is not sinful, it is actually
exactly the way Heavenly Father created us. Satan would have us believe that
those urges are so powerful that we can’t control them, but God has taught us
that we have control over our bodies and the power to resist those powerful
urges until the time is right.
In the world we live in,
sex is everywhere. It is in our music, our movies, our ads in commercials and
on magazine covers. The temptation seems to be everywhere.
Read the following example
from Elder Robbins talk:
Chocolate Chip Cookies
To illustrate the wisdom
of this principle, let’s suppose my great temptation in life is chocolate chip
cookies and I’m trying to conquer the temptation. It is easier for me not to
have the cookies in the house than it is to walk through the front door and
smell two dozen of them fresh out of the oven—warm, moist, and smelling good.
At that moment I am no longer simply fighting temptation; I am also fighting
chemistry. The aroma triggers the pleasure center of my brain. My mouth begins
to water in preparation for the cookies. With each tempting breath my
resistance grows weaker as my craving grows stronger and my appetite begins to
overpower my reason and resolve. My other self—the one that is carnal—argues in
favor of the cookies: “You know, dieting doesn’t have to mean deprivation. It’s
your overall effort that counts, and one cookie certainly isn’t going to blow
your diet.” With my pleasure center activated, I don’t need much convincing,
and I yield to the cookie’s enticing aroma. How easy is it to stop when that
first cookie only intensified your appetite rather than satisfied it? That same
voice says, “Well, you’ve blown it now! You may as well enjoy yourself and
recommit to your diet tomorrow.” So after I’ve eaten about six cookies, maybe
with a glass of milk, I begin to feel remorseful about breaking my resolution
and diet.
Question: How do you think
this applies to the quote we read earlier from For the Strength of Youth?
Elder Robbins continues, “I
hope you will understand the metaphor as I now apply it to a far stronger
desire. The Lord has blessed each of us with powerful hormones that also link
to the brain’s pleasure center. It is a very desirable attraction that begins
to occur in adolescence toward the opposite sex. Along with the many spiritual
reasons that inspire a person to get married, the Lord has also blessed us with
this powerful physical drive, with this intense chemistry, to motivate us to
get married—to be fathers and mothers, to have children and a family of our
own, and to strengthen the loving bonds between husband and wife. Why?
According to “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” it is because “the
family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His
children.”The proclamation also states
“that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be
employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.”
Question: Knowing that we live in a sex-obsessed
world, what are some ways you can avoid the temptations all around you?
The following quote from For the Strength of Youth
could be a spark for ongoing conversation:
Keep sex and sexual feelings sacred.
They should not be the subject of jokes or entertainment. Outside of marriage
between a man and a woman, it is wrong to touch the private, sacred parts of
another person’s body even if clothed. In your choices about what you do, look
at, read, listen to, think about, post, or text, avoid anything that purposely
arouses lustful emotions in others or yourself. This includes pornography in
any form. If you find that situations or activities make temptations stronger,
avoid them. You know what those situations and activities are. And if you
aren’t sure, the Spirit, your parents, and your leaders can help you know. Show
your Father in Heaven that you honor and respect the sacred power to create
life.
Close by watching the following video and
challenging the family to write down a goal for resisting temptation, and
increasing in purity.
Closing Song: Keep the Commandments (Children’s songbook, 146)
