Understand

 

In today’s post, we will continue our series focusing on the National Extension Parent Education Model (NEPEM). If you haven't read my last post, I would urge you to start there. Today we will be discussing the important role of understanding in our parenting.  

Understand

Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all system. Good parenting requires flexibility and a deep understanding of our unique, individual, ever-evolving child.

Have you ever been asked to do something that was completely outside of your skill set? I love watching the Olympics. There is something thrilling about watching the athletes preform in the pinnacle moment after years and years of dedicated blood sweat and tears they’ve put into honing their skill. Can you imagine the stress and imminent failure that would occur if you were thrown into the pool to swim the 100-meter breaststroke with the Olympians? It’s ridiculous to think that anyone would expect you to do well at something so far outside of your personal realm of possibilities. It is equally ridiculous to expect our children to do things that are outside of their developmental stage of abilities, yet – as parents—we sometimes unknowingly do just that.

Understanding Development

The first realm of understanding that I’d like to touch on is that of being familiar with age-appropriate development. As we have a healthy understanding of what each stage of development entails, we will be better at parenting our child in each stage. We can also be familiar with which milestones to anticipate as our child grows—which is exciting. For example, when we know that children aren’t typically able to follow 2-step directions until they are around 24 months old, we can have more realistic expectations of what we ask them to do. When we have an understanding that it is perfectly normal for toddlers (and again for teens) to test boundaries, we can respond in more effective ways as a result of that understanding. I could write an entire blog entirely focused on the developmental stages of children. Fortunately, I don’t need to because there are already many resources out there. I urge you to take the time to learn about and anticipate the different stages of development. I found this chart informative. 

source: https://walnutclinics.com/developmental-milestones/

I will provide a couple additional helpful links here at the CDC, here at the Child Mind Institute, and here at UNICEF. 

You can also google “developmental milestones for a [your child’s age] year old” to find helpful guidance as well.  

Understanding Individuality in Children

The second realm of understanding that I’d like to talk about is understanding our children as distinctive individuals. I have 6 children. They are all different, and I have had to figure out how to customize my parenting to fit their needs. My oldest son sets very high expectations for himself. If he falls short or makes a mistake, I can guarantee there is nothing I can say that will be stricter than what he is already saying to himself in his own head. The discipline needed to be effective in guiding him was different than the techniques I had to employ to get the message across to some of my other children.

President Brigham Young taught parents to “... study their [children’s] dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly” (Young & Widtsoe 1999, p 207).

 

Are you a potter or a gardener?

I used to think that I was a potter. I thought it was my job to mold my children like clay, into the beautiful vase or useful bowl that I thought they should be. I have since learned that parents are much more like gardeners. Our job is to create good nourishing soil. We do our best to make sure there is plenty of water and sunlight. We guide and prune when necessary.  It is not our job to change the seed we were given. No amount of tending will change a rose bush into an apple tee. It is our privilege to do our part, and then stand back and be amazed as we watch our plants grow and blossom into what they were uniquely meant to become.

When I was a young mother, I had an older and wiser friend tell me that she found it helpful to pray to see the unique talents and gifts that each of her children bring to her family. She was surprised to realize that sometimes the very things that she found frustrating (like never-ending curiosity) were actually very special talents that made them who they were. With a new perspective, she was able to help them develop those skills in productive ways. This piece of advice has helped me so many times as a mother. Our children aren’t going to have all the same likes and dislikes as their parents or even as their siblings do—and that is actually a good thing. Embracing our children for the complex people they are is exciting.

Elder Robert D. Hales, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said, “Realize that each child has varying gifts and abilities; each is an individual requiring special love and care” (Hales, 1999, p 33).

As we spend time together in genuine connection, we will be more tuned in to a greater understanding of who our children are. As a result, we will be able to customize our parenting in ways that will help us accomplish our long-term parenting goals more effectively.

Next time we will learn more about our parental role in Guiding our children in their development. See you then!

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022, August 17). CDC's Developmental Milestones. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved October 4, 2022, from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html

Hales, R.D. (1999). Strengthening families: Our sacred duty. Ensign, May 1999.

Parents guide to developmental milestones. Child Mind Institute. (2022, May 18). Retrieved October 4, 2022, from https://childmind.org/guide/parents-guide-to-developmental-milestones/

Young, B., & Widtsoe, J. A. (1999). Discourses of Brigham Young: Second president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Deseret Book Company.

Your baby's developmental milestones . UNICEF Parenting. (n.d.). Retrieved October 4, 2022, from https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-development/your-babys-developmental-milestones-2-months