Guide

 

In our last post, we talked a little about the notion of looking at parenting with more of a gardener-mindset than a potter’s mindset. We aren’t so much forming our children into our individual hopes and dreams as much as we are guiding them on their own unique path of learning and becoming. Today we will focus on the 3^rd concept of the National Extension Parent Education Model (NEPEM)—Guide (particularly as it applies to moments of discipline.

Guide

The goal of most parents is to help their children grow into decent human beings. We want to raise adults who are capable, kind, and confident. Unfortunately, many of the disciplinary techniques that parents use today yield long-term results that are opposite of those end goals.

Punishments are a necessary part of parenting, bust as we discipline, we want to do so in a way that works towards the desired outcomes—both in the short and long game. What is the overarching message that you want your discipline to send? I personally want love to be the resounding tone of my discipline. I would hope that in my guiding and correcting, my children know above all else that I love them.

The scriptures teach that proper discipline should not be charged with negative emotions. You can read more about what they teach about reproving with love in this post here.

 It is helpful to view these moments of correction and guidance as opportunities for teaching. The more effective our teaching, the less we will find ourselves in need of parental corrections. If done correctly, they can strengthen our relationships with one another. I really liked this example of recognizing a teaching moment:

“One young girl was working in the garden with her father. Tiring of the work, she asked if she could make them both some lemonade. However, as she made the drink, she spilled sugar and water all over the kitchen. The father, who came in just then, might have looked around the kitchen and been upset at the mess. Instead, he recognized a teaching moment. “‘You know,’ he said, ‘Mother will be home soon. I wonder what she’ll think when she sees this floor and cupboard. What do you think we ought to do about it?’ Sally looked around at the mess and said, ‘I think I better get it cleaned up fast. Would you help me, Daddy? I’ll get the broom and dustpan if you’ll get the mop cloth.’ Together Sally and her father got things back in order” (Saints, 1984, p. 96).

When we find ourselves in moments that require effective correction, how do we do it in a way that shows love AND works? I want to highlight here a method that I believe does both well.

 

It can be found in a book by Dr. Laurence Steinberg entitled “10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting.” He discusses 4 ways to avoid harsh discipline. I highly recommend this book. Here is a brief summary of what he suggests…

1.       Never use physical punishment.

Physical punishment is effective in the short term but comes as a high price in the long term. It has been shown to have the worst side-effects of all the forms of discipline. Children who are physically disciplined are prone to fighting, bullying, and using aggression to solve problems. They are also more likely to be rejected at school, have bad grades, no friends, and incidents of delinquency. Dr Steinberg suggests that instead of using physical consequences, explain that you’re disappointed and implement a time out. A good rule of thumb on the time outs is 1 minute in time out per year of age. That is, a 5-year-old would be in time out for 5 minutes. If your child is too old for time outs, he suggests taking something away—like electronics or time with friends.

2.      Don’t be verbally abusive.

The side effects of verbal harshness include psychological problems, poor self-esteem, and higher levels of clinical depression. Dr. Steinberg emphasizes that being firm does not have to mean being cruel. You will make your point better calmly. Steinberg teaches that your success in guiding your child depends on the degree to which your child believes you have their best interest at heart. Children translate mean words as someone who doesn’t care for them. If your words are hostile, the content gets lost in the tone. As a parent, in a moment of frustration, we need to think before we speak. Be specific in our words as opposed to generalizing. Instead of saying, “You always lie!” Try saying, “Don’t lie to me about _______________.”

3.   Control your anger.

Anger will happen in relationships. It can be expected. There is a difference in feeling angry and really letting out kids have it. Steinberg teaches that for punishment to be most effective, it needs to be immediate but its okay to take a pause first if necessary. He suggests taking a breath, counting to 3, saying “I am really angry and need a minute to calm down”, then waiting only as long as it takes to get to a calm state of mind before you explain your frustration and extend the punishment.

4.    The right way to punish.

Dr. Steinberg teaches that effective punishment is unpleasant (but not harsh), consistent, and swiftly administered. He outlines 5 steps of how to punish the right way. Those are:

1.       IDENTIFY the specific act that was wrong.

2.       State the IMPACT of the misbehavior on those involved.

3.       Suggest ALTERNATIVES to the behavior.

4.       State clearly what the PUNSIHMENT is going to be. I should add a note that the book suggest that a consequence is best if it relates to the “crime” and is even better if it can make restitution for or “undo” the crime in any way.

5.       State your EXPECTATIONS for their behavior in the future.

You can view a role played scenario of how this might look in action in this video. Don't be jealous of our stellar acting abilities... 

As we work to guide our children in their process of becoming, I am confident that it can be done in a spirit of love. It is not always easy to do that, especially in moments of high emotion (learn more about that as we discuss emotion coaching in a future post).  I don't think most parents enjoy having to discipline their children. I do believe that it is a sacred trust and privilege. Through the guidance of the Holy Ghost, and use of appropriate resources, we can be successful in our efforts. 

References

Saints., Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day. (1984). Relief society courses of study 1985. Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.