It points out that that nurturing is one of our main
responsibilities as parents. I love the additional light we receive from Elder
Ulisses S. Soares, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, in his most recent General
Conference address. He said, Nurturing and presiding are interrelated and
overlapping responsibilities, which means that mothers and fathers “are
obligated to help one another as equal partners” and share a balanced leadership
in their home. To nurture means to nourish, teach, and support” family members,
which is done by helping them to “learn gospel truths and develop faith in
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ” in an environment of love. To preside means
to “help lead family members back to dwell in God’s presence. This is done by
serving and teaching with gentleness, meekness, and pure love.” It also
includes “leading family members in regular prayer, gospel study, and other
aspects of worship. Parents work in unity,” following the example of Jesus
Christ, “to fulfill these [two great] responsibilities” (Soares, 2022).
Nurture
In a great resource on the family is a manual published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2006. It is entitled Strengthening the Family. A section dedicated to nurturing, discusses the findings of Dr. John Gottman. He teaches about the importance that “emotion coaching” plays in our efforts to nurture our children. Emotion coaching is
When done properly, it has been shown to help children form
stronger relationships, do better in school, regulate their own moods better, and
bounce back faster from emotions. It has
also been linked to greater health overall. Emotion coaching produces children
(who become adults) that manage life’s challenges better.
Gottman outlines 5 steps to emotion coaching:
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| source: https://www.facebook.com/GottmanInstitute/photos/five-steps-of-emotion-coachingstep-1-be-aware-of-your-childs-emotions-step-2-rec/10156096452940865/ |
Be Aware of the Child’s Emotions
If we are tuned into our children’s emotions, we can begin coaching
before those emotions escalate. A couple months ago, I was asked to help in
primary. I was sitting next to a little boy in the youngest class. He was
trying to get the chorister’s attention during singing time. He wanted to show
the picture he had colored. The chorister was not responding to him, and I
could see he was getting upset. I should have intervened at this point, but I
was not familiar with the little boy and had no idea that within minutes he
would be having a complete and utter freak-out that was beyond his capacity to
handle. As we are more aware of our children’s emotions—as well as our own—we can
guide them while they are still on the ground level as opposed to over our
heads.
Recognize Emotion as an Opportunity for Closeness and
Teaching
It is so easy to forget that our children are learning and
experiencing many emotions for the first times. It is a sacred responsibility
to help them learn to navigate those big emotions. “Parents should look at
their children’s troubling emotions as opportunities for bonding and growth.
Helping soothe a child’s troubled feelings is one of the most satisfying things
parents can do. Children feel understood and comforted when kind and loving
parents acknowledge and understand their feelings” (Church, 2006, p.36).
Help the Child Identify and Name Emotions
As we listen, we can restate the emotions we are witnessing.
There is power in labeling emotions. This builds emotional vocabulary and helps
your child increase their ability to express their feelings and calm
themselves.
Listen Empathically and Validate the Child’s Feelings
Last week, I got a call from my 8 year old daughter's school
informing me she had had a serious accident at recess. She had fallen and hit
her face on the pavement. I picked her up from the school to rush her for
x-rays. She had hurt her knee and couldn't put weight on one leg at all (so we
had to get separate x-rays at a separate doctor’s office on that too). Her
teeth were pushed all out of place and had black-top skid marks permanently
smeared on them. Her chin was cut up, and her nose was swollen. There was blood
and pain and so much emotion covering my little baby's face. She was terrified,
and truth be told, I was too. But I kept it together, trying to be her calm in
the storm. Typically, my approach is to pep-talk and point out the positive. I do this even with myself when I experience
big emotions. "Kristen, it is going to be OK. Stop feeling sad. Look at
all of these things you have to be grateful for." As I was driving my daughter to the emergency
appointments, she was so worried. I could hear trembling in her voice as she
repeatedly asked what was going to happen. I naturally wanted to say, "You're OK.
Don't worry. We are going to get you all fixed up and then we can go get a
treat." However, I stopped myself. Instead, I said, "I can see that
you are so scared. This is scary. I hate when bad things happen. I'm so sorry
this happened to you. I am here with you. I will not leave you. We will
figure this out together." I was surprised how much more effective those
words were over my usual optimistic pep-talk approach.
Set Limits while Helping the Child Learn to Solve Problems
Parents can help set limits and work together by guiding
their child to appropriate solutions. “A child’s sense of control increases as
parents help the child learn to deal with unpleasant feelings. Children must
learn to deal with troubling thoughts and feelings in ways that are socially
acceptable and emotionally healthy. Parents may need to set limits on
inappropriate behavior while helping children work out problems” (Church, 2006,
40).
Here is a great video for further learning:
Emotion coaching is an amazing tool to not only have in our parenting toolbelt, but also just an all-around worthwhile tool for navigating life in general. When we, as parents, are better at managing our own emotions that will entirely affect our abilities to help our children manage their emotions too.
I hope you will join me next time, as we discuss the next
piece of the National Extension Parent Education Model – Develop.
References
Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints. (2006). Strengthening the Family : Instructor's manual.
“Family: A Proclamation to
the World.” (1995, November). Ensign, 25, p. 102.
Soares, U. (2022). In
partnership with the lord. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Retrieved October 7, 2022, from
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2022/10/25soares?lang=eng
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