Strategies for Creating an Intentional Marriage & Family
"A Happy Home is but an Earthly Heaven"
A few years ago, I found myself standing in the middle of a messy living room... having just gotten upset with someone for something unimportant. The feeling in the house, at that moment, was not exactly what I would call heavenly. I remember thinking, "Hey! What happened? I planned on being a fun mom!" I decided then to focus on what I could do to create moments that would draw my family closer together, and make our home a heaven on earth... all while having fun in the process!
In today’s post, we will continue our series focusing on the National Extension Parent Education Model (NEPEM). If you haven't read my last post, I would urge you to start there. Today we will be discussing the important role of
understanding in our parenting.
Understand
Parenting
is not a one-size-fits-all system. Good parenting requires flexibility and a
deep understanding of our unique, individual, ever-evolving child.
Have you ever been asked to do something that was completely
outside of your skill set? I love watching the Olympics. There is something
thrilling about watching the athletes preform in the pinnacle moment after
years and years of dedicated blood sweat and tears they’ve put into honing
their skill. Can you imagine the stress and imminent failure that would occur if
you were thrown into the pool to swim the 100-meter breaststroke with the Olympians?
It’s ridiculous to think that anyone would expect you to do well at something so
far outside of your personal realm of possibilities. It is equally ridiculous
to expect our children to do things that are outside of their developmental
stage of abilities, yet – as parents—we sometimes unknowingly do just that.
Understanding Development
The first realm of understanding that I’d like to touch on
is that of being familiar with age-appropriate development. As we have a
healthy understanding of what each stage of development entails, we will be
better at parenting our child in each stage. We can also be familiar with which
milestones to anticipate as our child grows—which is exciting. For example, when
we know that children aren’t typically able to follow 2-step directions until
they are around 24 months old, we can have more realistic expectations of what we
ask them to do. When we have an understanding that it is perfectly normal for
toddlers (and again for teens) to test boundaries, we can respond in more
effective ways as a result of that understanding. I could write an entire blog entirely
focused on the developmental stages of children. Fortunately, I don’t need to
because there are already many resources out there. I urge you to take the time
to learn about and anticipate the different stages of development. I found this chart informative.
You can also google “developmental
milestones for a [your child’s age] year old” to find helpful guidance as
well.
Understanding Individuality in Children
The second realm of understanding that I’d like to talk
about is understanding our children as distinctive individuals. I have 6
children. They are all different, and I have had to figure out how to customize
my parenting to fit their needs. My oldest son sets very high expectations for
himself. If he falls short or makes a mistake, I can guarantee there is nothing
I can say that will be stricter than what he is already saying to himself in
his own head. The discipline needed to be effective in guiding him was
different than the techniques I had to employ to get the message across to some
of my other children.
President Brigham Young taught parents to “... study their
[children’s] dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them
accordingly” (Young & Widtsoe 1999, p 207).
Are you a potter or a gardener?
I used to think that I was a potter. I thought it was my job
to mold my children like clay, into the beautiful vase or useful bowl that I
thought they should be. I have since learned that parents are much more like
gardeners. Our job is to create good nourishing soil. We do our best to make
sure there is plenty of water and sunlight. We guide and prune when necessary. It is not our job to change the seed we were
given. No amount of tending will change a rose bush into an apple tee. It is
our privilege to do our part, and then stand back and be amazed as we watch our
plants grow and blossom into what they were uniquely meant to become.
When I was a young mother, I had an older and wiser friend
tell me that she found it helpful to pray to see the unique talents and gifts
that each of her children bring to her family. She was surprised to realize
that sometimes the very things that she found frustrating (like never-ending
curiosity) were actually very special talents that made them who they were. With
a new perspective, she was able to help them develop those skills in productive
ways. This piece of advice has helped me so many times as a mother. Our children
aren’t going to have all the same likes and dislikes as their parents or even as
their siblings do—and that is actually a good thing. Embracing our children for
the complex people they are is exciting.
Elder Robert D. Hales, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles,
said, “Realize that each child has varying gifts and abilities; each is an
individual requiring special love and care” (Hales, 1999, p 33).
As we spend time together in genuine connection, we will be
more tuned in to a greater understanding of who our children are. As a result, we
will be able to customize our parenting in ways that will help us accomplish
our long-term parenting goals more effectively.
Next time we will learn more about our parental role in Guiding
our children in their development. See you then!
References
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022, August 17). CDC's Developmental Milestones. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved October 4, 2022, from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html
Parents guide to developmental milestones. Child Mind Institute. (2022, May 18). Retrieved October 4, 2022, from https://childmind.org/guide/parents-guide-to-developmental-milestones/
Young, B., & Widtsoe, J. A. (1999). Discourses of Brigham Young: Second president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Deseret Book Company.
Your baby's developmental milestones . UNICEF Parenting. (n.d.). Retrieved October 4, 2022, from https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-development/your-babys-developmental-milestones-2-months
This model focuses on the following six categories:
Care for Self
Understand
Guide
Nurture
Motivate
Advocate
Over the next few weeks, we will examine them all. In this post, I would like to focus on the first principle:
Care for Self
Why Care for self? As parents, we spend so much of our
time caring for others. It is a noble labor of love and sacrifice. I think it
is safe to assume that most parents want to bring their best to the parenting
game. But what if, overtime, your “best” has been overworked and diminished?
Elder Marion
G. Romney
of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
said,
"Without
self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we
give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty
shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and
understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come
from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come
from the spiritually weak" (1982).
As we
care for others, keep in mind this advice from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of
the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:
“For those of you who earnestly seek to bear another’s
burdens, it is important that you refortify yourself and build yourself back up
when others expect so much of you and indeed take so much out of you. No one is
so strong that they do not ever feel fatigued or frustrated or recognize the
need to care for themselves. … The caregivers have to have care too. You
have to have fuel in the tank before you can give it to others” (Holland, 2018,
pp.29-30).
I
know what you’re thinking… because I’ve thought it many times myself. You’re
thinking, “I’m so busy with my life and my many obligations! When am I supposed
to make time to take care of myself?” My hope is that I will help you see the
value in creating that time. It doesn’t have to be time-consuming or costly. Self-care
comes in many forms and can look like a variety of things in our day-to-day
practice. Simply put, self-care is honing in on that special thing—anything really—that
“refills your internal batteries” or “puts fuel in our tank” and renews your
ability to be your best self. Self-care elevates your ability to show up in a
better way for the people and obligations in your life.
In a
medically reviewed article entitled, Ways to Practice Self-Care, Carol
DerSarkissian (2021) offers some suggestions for more effective care of self.
Her
list included many suggestions, but a few I’d like to highlight include:
1.Find your flow.
Find a
hobby that you enjoy. Spend your time doing something that pulls in your full attention.
2.Unplug already!
Disconnect from electronics, and try to connect more fully with people you love.
3.Go green.
Find calm
and balance as you spend time outdoors. If being outdoors regularly isn’t
possible, DerSarkissian says you can still find benefits as you “…sit next to a
window, look at nature photos, or buy a plant.”
4.Get more shut eye.
I
can’t overemphasize the importance of getting adequate sleep, ideally 7-9 hours.
Good sleep impacts many other aspects of our body and functionality. In
parenting, adequate sleep is not always possible, but do the best you can.
5.Move on.
Get your body
moving. Exercise is one of the beneficial forms of caring for oneself. DerSarkissian
says, “Turn up your favorite playlist and dance in your living room, swim laps,
take a brisk walk around the block. … Rhythmic movements get you out of your
head and into the present moment so you're ready for the next challenge” (2021).
6.Give Back.
People
often mistakenly assume that self-care is a self-centered endeavor, however, many people find
that they feel most renewed when they are focused on and serving others.
7.Tap into thankfulness.
Gratitude makes people happier. It effects every aspect of our lives. By conscientiously
practicing gratitude, we will be better. DerSarkissian points out, “It helps
you notice that even when some things are hard, there's still good in the world
and some of it has come your way” (2021).
8.Jot it in a journal.
Journaling
helps you create order when your life might feel unordered. As you settle into
writing, consider it as a time to relax, dream, and process your feelings.
9.Feed your spirit.
The
article points out that “People who tend to their spiritual side are less apt
to worry and feel sad. For some, that means prayer and worship services. For
others, it has nothing to do with religion. You may simply meditate every
morning. Either way, the result can be that you're better able to take on
stress” (2021).
10.Seek help when you need it. “When a big problem hits, don't
pretend nothing's wrong. Speak to a counselor in private or check out a support
group. It helps you get a different view of your situation so you can make your
best choices. Although your problem probably won't vanish right away, get it
off your chest. You'll feel recharged by taking charge -- with help from a pro”
(DerSarkissian, 2021).
For me
personally, I feel better when I focus on good nutrition. I feel renewed when I
connect with people through meaningful conversation. I am my best self when I surround
myself with positivity and optimism. At times, my self-care is simply
remembering to pause and take a deep breath. Whatever your preferred form of
self-care, I hope that you see the value in creating time for it as you
continue to bring your best self to your parenting journey.
Next time,
we will focus on the concept of Understanding. I hope you'll join me.
Smith, C. A., Cudaback, D.,
Goddard, H. W., & Myers-Walls, J. A. (1994). NATIONAL EXTENSION PARENT
EDUCATION MODEL Of Critical Parenting Practices. The National Extension
Parent Education model. Retrieved September 22, 2022, from https://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/nepem/
Sometimes the task of teaching our children about intimacy (especially sexual intimacy) can seem daunting. There is no need to feel intimidated. This is a sacred opportunity and obligation. The world we live in today is more than eager to teach your children if you do not. Unfortunately, the world doesn't always (or even often) teach truth... but rather Satan's cheap imitation of truth. Do not leave your children to navigate the barrage of misinformation on their own. Teach them truth.
There are many resources to help you, and most importantly, we have the gift of the Holy Ghost to help guide us in the specific needs of our children.
It is important to recognize that teaching about intimacy is not a "one and done" conversation. It is more like many small conversations throughout a lifetime. We can start teaching about bodies and gender from the time our children are tiny. As they grow and mature, those conversations need to grow and mature as well. It is important to be observant of your children's readiness in order to know the best way to teach them. You can read more about that here.
Below are some sample lessons for Family Home evening. I want to reiterate that this topic requires correct timing as well as an awareness of your child's readiness. What works for one family (or child) may not be a good fit for all. These lessons may be just what you need or serve as a jumping off point. Take it or leave it, or change it to fit your needs.
My body is a gift: a lesson about intimacy
for children ages 2-7
Objective: To help children
recognize and become aware of their body, as a gift from Heavenly Father, and
as something that should be honored and treated with care. We will discuss the
gift of our bodies and play a game to learn about and identify parts of the
body and the things they can do. Depending on readiness, we will address
gender, modesty, as well as appropriate and inappropriate touch. In the end, we
will have a greater appreciation for the gift of our bodies, as well as started
down a path of open communication for future discussions.
Family
Business:
Opening
Song: I am a Child of God (Children’s songbook, 2)
Opening
Prayer:
Scripture: Moses 2: 31
And
I, God, saw everything that I had made, and, behold, all things which I had
made were very good…
Lesson:
Object lesson:
Show a gift wrapped to look pretty (inside are the
body flashcards). BEFORE OPENING THE GIFT, show it and talk about how nice it
is to receive gifts. When people give you gifts it is one way that people show
they love you.
Question: When someone gives us a gift, how should
we treat it? Do we open it and break it? Do we throw it on the ground? No. we
take care of it, right? We show that we appreciate it.
Open the gift and show
them the body flash cards. (It might be good to say, “Oh look! It’s a fun game
for us to play about our wonderful bodies!”).
Heavenly Father has given
us an amazing gift… our bodies! They are one of the things that make us like
Him because He has a body too! Bodies can sure do amazing things. They are a
gift from Him because He loves us. We should take good care of our bodies and
treat them like they are special.
Game: Turn the cards
upside down and place them in a pile. Have each child choose a flashcard one at
a time. With each card, talk briefly about that body part or have them do a
small action. For example: with the hand card, you could say “You have hands.
What can you do with your hands? Can you wiggle your fingers? Let’s all give
high fives.” For the nose card, you could smell different scents and try to
have them guess what they are. For the eye card you can have them find 3 colors
that they see. For many of the cards you can just ask “What amazing things can
you do with your __________.”The main
point of the game is to reiterate that our bodies are special and can do many
things.
Our bodies are really
awesome, aren’t they? I love my body! I’m so grateful for all the things it
lets me do. Do you love your body! Yay for the gift of our bodies!
Depending on the age of
your children, you could continue the discussion by asking questions like:
“How are boys’ and girls’ body’s
different?”“What kind of touch is
appropriate?”
“What should you do or say
if someone is making you uncomfortable?
“Why do you think we wear
clothes?”“What goals can we set
to take care of our bodies?”
Closing
Song: Head Shoulders, Knees and Toes (Children’s
songbook, 275)
Closing
Prayer:
Family Home Evening Lesson
What is sex: a lesson
about intimacy for children ages 8-13
Objective: To help children
recognize and become aware of exactly what sexual intimacy entails, that it is
a sacred gift from Heavenly Father and as such, has parameters for it’s use. We
will use an illustrated book for the technical portion of the lesson. We will
also discuss the truth that Satan would have us use this gift inappropriately
and if we do it will result in heartache. PARENTS ARE STRONGLY ENCOURAGED TO
SAVE THIS LESSON FOR THE RIGHT TIME DEPENDING ON READINESS. As a result of this
lesson, we will have established a feeling of the reverence towards the act of
sex, taught about its role in creating babies, and opened a comfortable path
for continued dialogue.
Family Business:
Opening Song: Families Can Be Together Forever (Children’s songbook, 188)
Opening Prayer:
Scripture: Moses 2: 31
And I, God, saw everything that I had made, and
behold, all things which I had made were very good…
Lesson:
Side note: The tone of
this lesson is very important. As you speak to your child in a mature way,
emphasizing the privilege of being mature enough to learn what you’re about to
teach them, it will make a big difference in how the information is received.
Today’s family home
evening lesson is really special. Your dad and I have noticed that you’ve been
asking a lot of questions lately that show us you are really growing up.
Because we can see that you are maturing, we think it is time to teach you
about one of the most wonderful and special things in the entire world.
Question: What makes
Heavenly Father amazing and powerful? What are some of the things that He can
do that are amazing? (Answers typically include things like… He can hear our
prayers, He can see everyone at once, He can do miracles, the answer that you
want to guide them towards or settle on is when you get into His powers to
create).
Heavenly Father is a
master creator. He can make something exist that didn’t exist before. That is
an awesome power! Heavenly Father loves us and trust us so much that He has
given us a really special gift. He has given us a tiny portion of His power to
create. He has given us the power to create bodies for His spirit children.
What do you think about
that? Do you want to learn more about that? (Most children are very intrigued,
but if your child says no, then this is a good indicator that it might be best
to say, “OK. That’s alright, we can address this in the future when you feel
more ready.”)
Let’s get Technical:
Side note: I know a lot of
parents who prefer to use medical textbooks to teach this part, and that is
great. There are things I like about this book I recommend, and things I wish
were different, but overall, I appreciate “Where Did I Come From?” by Peter
Mayle (Let me give you a heads up, it is blunt and straight forward and
includes illustrated pictures of nudity).
I know it can be kind of uncomfortable to talk about
this sometimes, but Dad and I want you to know that it is an amazing gift. Can
you believe all the things your body can do? It is something that makes you
like Heavenly Father, and that is so cool.
Satan doesn’t have the power to create. This makes
him really angry. It makes him so mad that you can do something that he can’t,
so he wants you to use this gift in the wrong way. He knows that if he can make
something special into something gross or something that people treat plainly or
think is ok to do with just anyone, then it will make you sad in the end.
Question: Can you think of ways that Satan tricks
people into treating sex like it isn’t the most special and sacred gift that it
is?
Right, in movies or even on the playground you will
hear others say things that are inappropriate about sex. But now you know more.
You know that that is Satan trying to steal people’s happiness! So you can know
that you don’t want to participate in that kind of entertainment or
conversation.
Heavenly Father wants us to only use this gift with
our husband or wife.
Question: Why do you think that is?
Question: Would it be appropriate to tell everyone
at school what you learned tonight? (Not really, because they may not be ready
to handle it as maturely as you are, and it could turn into an inappropriate
conversation).
That was a lot of information. Do you have any other
questions? Dad and I want you to know that you will have more questions come to
your mind in the next day or two. You can always come to us and ask us
anything. We will always answer truthfully. We love you!
Closing Song: I am a Child of God (Children’s songbook, 2)
Closing Prayer:
Family Home Evening Lesson
Avoiding Temptation: a
lesson about intimacy for children ages 14+
Objective: To help older children
recognize and become aware of the sacredness of sexuality and that temptations
are surrounding them, but can be avoided through intentional actions. We will
use For the Strength of Youth: A Guide for Making Choices as well as a talk by
Elder Lynn G Robbins as a guide for the discussion. In the end, we hope to have
set some goals for working towards purity in a sex drenched world, as well as
continued our ongoing dialogue about intimacy.
Family Business:
Opening Song: Choose the Right Way (Children’s songbook, 160)
Opening Prayer:
Scripture: D&C
121:45
“Let virtue garnish thy
thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of
God”
Sexual
feelings are an important part of God’s plan to create happy marriages and
eternal families. These feelings are not
sinful—they are sacred. Because sexual feelings are so sacred and so powerful,
God has given you His law of chastity to prepare you to use these feelings as
He intends. The law of chastity states that God approves of sexual activity
only between a man and a woman who are married. Many in the world ignore or
even mock God’s law, but the Lord invites us to be His disciples and live a
standard higher than the world’s.
Question: Does anyone have
any thought about the quote?
One thought that I had is
that it points out that having sexual feelings is not sinful, it is actually
exactly the way Heavenly Father created us. Satan would have us believe that
those urges are so powerful that we can’t control them, but God has taught us
that we have control over our bodies and the power to resist those powerful
urges until the time is right.
In the world we live in,
sex is everywhere. It is in our music, our movies, our ads in commercials and
on magazine covers. The temptation seems to be everywhere.
Read the following example
from Elder Robbins talk:
Chocolate Chip Cookies
To illustrate the wisdom
of this principle, let’s suppose my great temptation in life is chocolate chip
cookies and I’m trying to conquer the temptation. It is easier for me not to
have the cookies in the house than it is to walk through the front door and
smell two dozen of them fresh out of the oven—warm, moist, and smelling good.
At that moment I am no longer simply fighting temptation; I am also fighting
chemistry. The aroma triggers the pleasure center of my brain. My mouth begins
to water in preparation for the cookies. With each tempting breath my
resistance grows weaker as my craving grows stronger and my appetite begins to
overpower my reason and resolve. My other self—the one that is carnal—argues in
favor of the cookies: “You know, dieting doesn’t have to mean deprivation. It’s
your overall effort that counts, and one cookie certainly isn’t going to blow
your diet.” With my pleasure center activated, I don’t need much convincing,
and I yield to the cookie’s enticing aroma. How easy is it to stop when that
first cookie only intensified your appetite rather than satisfied it? That same
voice says, “Well, you’ve blown it now! You may as well enjoy yourself and
recommit to your diet tomorrow.” So after I’ve eaten about six cookies, maybe
with a glass of milk, I begin to feel remorseful about breaking my resolution
and diet.
Question: How do you think
this applies to the quote we read earlier from For the Strength of Youth?
Elder Robbins continues, “I
hope you will understand the metaphor as I now apply it to a far stronger
desire. The Lord has blessed each of us with powerful hormones that also link
to the brain’s pleasure center. It is a very desirable attraction that begins
to occur in adolescence toward the opposite sex. Along with the many spiritual
reasons that inspire a person to get married, the Lord has also blessed us with
this powerful physical drive, with this intense chemistry, to motivate us to
get married—to be fathers and mothers, to have children and a family of our
own, and to strengthen the loving bonds between husband and wife. Why?
According to “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” it is because “the
family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His
children.”The proclamation also states
“that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be
employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.”
Question: Knowing that we live in a sex-obsessed
world, what are some ways you can avoid the temptations all around you?
The following quote from For the Strength of Youth
could be a spark for ongoing conversation:
Keep sex and sexual feelings sacred.
They should not be the subject of jokes or entertainment. Outside of marriage
between a man and a woman, it is wrong to touch the private, sacred parts of
another person’s body even if clothed. In your choices about what you do, look
at, read, listen to, think about, post, or text, avoid anything that purposely
arouses lustful emotions in others or yourself. This includes pornography in
any form. If you find that situations or activities make temptations stronger,
avoid them. You know what those situations and activities are. And if you
aren’t sure, the Spirit, your parents, and your leaders can help you know. Show
your Father in Heaven that you honor and respect the sacred power to create
life.
Close by watching the following video and
challenging the family to write down a goal for resisting temptation, and
increasing in purity.
Closing Song: Keep the Commandments (Children’s songbook, 146)
In the article, “Ready or Not,” by President Boyd K
Packer, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, he recalls playing kick-the-can
as a boy. He remembers everyone hiding, while the seeker would call out “…ready
or not, you’ll be caught.” President Packer compares this to our children’s
learning as the world figuratively calls out, “…ready or not, you’ll be
taught.”
As parents, we are our children’s greatest teachers. We
are their stewards and have been granted the sacred privilege of serving as
witnesses to their lives. As such, we have a front row seat to their learning
and a responsibility to be available when prime moments of teaching arise.
President Packer pointed out, “If teaching is to be effective, it must
capitalize on the readiness of the students to learn. A good teacher will be
alert and will seize upon the opportunity to teach when the youngster is ready.”
If we are to seize upon those moments of readiness, we must first be present in
their lives. We must know them and their hearts enough to be in a position that
allows us the ability to recognize readiness and curiosity when it appears.
President Packer continues, “Many lessons that we have been anxious to teach
our own children have had to wait until they were ready.” As we are careful
observers of readiness, we will be more cognizant of the appropriate level of
information our child is prepared to digest. If we overload an unprepared child
with too much information, it will not be absorbed the way that we hope. It may
even leave a nasty taste in their mouth which will make revisiting the subject
more difficult in the future. On the other hand, if we miss an opportunity of
readiness by just giving tiny portions that don’t fully satiate, then we are
also losing a valuable opportunity to build relationship as well as instruct
our children in moments of hunger for knowledge.
As we know our children through building a trusting
relationship with them and watch for the everyday moments of teaching and
readiness that arise, Heavenly Father will help us in our efforts to teach our
children in loving ways. He loves them, and He loves us for doing our best. He
is the ultimate teacher and can help us as we strive to teach our children the
things that they need to know as we all learn and grow together.
41 No power or
influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by
persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love
unfeigned; 42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly
enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—43 Reproving
betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing
forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest
he esteem thee to be his enemy; 44 That he may know that thy faithfulness
is stronger than the cords of death. 45 Let thy bowels also be full of
charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish
thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence
of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the
dews from heaven. 46 The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and
thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion
shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow
unto thee forever and ever. (Doctrine & Covenants 121:41-46)
Me with my scriptures before I became a mother. I'm forever grateful for the guide they have been to me in my parenting journey.
What a
huge blessing the scriptures are to parents! Is there a better guidebook out
there? I doubt it. I’m so grateful for a Father in Heaven who knows that children
(and even adults) will need correction at times and has given us a formula that
allows correction—with clear guidelines—all while still strengthening
relationships. I really appreciated the clarity that came through studying the
footnotes for this passage of scripture. One portion that stuck out was at the
beginning of verse 42, where it stresses the importance of having proper
knowledge and understanding. It made me stop and reflect on the importance knowing
and understanding motives, the individual’s unique weaknesses and developmental
capabilities, and even an understanding of what the situation requiring
reproval entails. The phrase that caught my attention the most comes from verse
43, “…when moved upon by the Holy Ghost.” In a moment of frustration and anger,
it can be hard to know if you’re being persuaded by the Holy Ghost or by strong
emotion. I wanted to dive deeper into this, so I did a little research and
found a 1979 article by Spencer J Condie, entitled, “Reproving with Love.” In
the article, he gives a list to help clarify. He says,
“We may be more
certain that the Holy Ghost moves upon us when:
1. The intensity of the reproof
is appropriate to the cause.
2. The message is
painful to the messenger, as well as to the recipient.
3. We reprove promptly, without
harboring ill will.
4. We follow our reproof with “an
increase of love.”
5. We weigh our words—and our
feelings—carefully.
6. We are, and have been, in tune
with the Spirit prior to the reproof.
7. We prepare for the reproof with
preliminary prayer whenever possible
8. After the
reproof, we feel at peace with ourselves.”
In the
article, Elder Condie expounds on each of the eight points. I found them so
enlightening. I especially love the last one, stating that if we acted in accordance
with the Holy Ghost and in a way that is consistent with gospel teachings, we
will feel at peace after the reproof. Elder Condie says, “After it has been
said, we need have no regrets or second thoughts regarding what should have
been said or left unsaid.” When we are guided by the Holy Ghost, and follow the
directions found in Doctrine and Covenants 121, we can feel confident in our
actions when correction is required.
